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daily snapple fact #27
A ball of glass will bounce higher then a ball of rubber.

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doug at freewayslowdance.com

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All In A Day's Work.

So for those of you not in the know, I am a real estate appraiser. This means I go to people's houses, look at them, and tell the lender what it's worth. Today I had a job at 1040-1042 E Rialto Ave in good ol' San Bernardino, a duplex.

Now, the lender had informed me that the back unit was occupied, but that the front unit was vacant. Come 10 minutes after the agent was supposed to meet me, I decided well, what the fuck, let's see if it's open, and go to knock on the front door.

Just in case, because you never know. The windows were all covered with black plastic bags and the place certainly looked vacant. Knock knock.

No answer. Check the door, it's locked. Shit. Walk around back, do my measurements, check the back door, open it up, vacant laundry room.

One step in.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING STEPPING IN A MOTHERFUCKER'S HOUSE!"

Look up, big ol' black dude with a 9 mm in his right hand.

"I'm sorry, I was informed by the agent it was vacant."
"HOW YOU GO STEPPIN IN A MOTHERFUCKER'S HOUSE?! THROUGH THE MOTHERFUCKING BACK FUCKING DOOR!"
"I'm, uh, I'm sorry. I knocked on the front door."
"I WAS SLEEPING, MOTHERFUCKER. ... GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!"

Well, now what. I'm standing at the backdoor of a house, an angry guy with a gun yelling at me to get my ass in his house. Without too much explanation I enter his motherfucking house.

"*mumbling* motherfucker stepping into my goddamn house through the motherfucking back door.*/mumbling* SIT DOWN!"

I sit.

He picks up the phone and dials. "JUAN!"

Me thinking. *Juan O'Campo, home owner.*

"I NEED TO SPEAK TO JUAN. MOTHERFUCKER JUST STEPPED UP INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE! -- I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, GET ME JUAN! -- JUAN, MOTHERFUCKER JUST STEPPED UP INTO MY GODDAMN HOUSE, HE S'POSED TO BE HERE OR CAN I SHOOT HIS ASS? --- WHAT YOU HERE FOR BOY?"

"Appraising the home."

"MOTHERFUCKING APPRAISER, YOU GON' TELL ME YOU GON' SEND A MOTHERFUCKER TO MY HOUSE. SHIT, THIS IS HOW ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, I WAS 'BOUT READY TO SHOOT HIS ASS. -- ALRIGHT, BROTHER. YEAH." *hangs up*

We was about to have a goddamn accident up in here.

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"Well, what you looking at? Do yo' shit."




And that is the story of how I almost got shot today.

posted by Doug 5:28 PM

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